Are You Ready To Be Called Fringe Yet?

How much worse will you let it get before you start to push back?

****

Leaning In

She wore her hair in a loose white bun. Inevitably, a few wisps would come loose. She had a soft, quivering voice and a sweet smile. I don’t remember many words that she spoke to me directly. I remember sitting beside her one Sunday morning. It was a warm spring day, and she wore a white shawl over her blue dress.

Her hearing had failed many years before, and so in the little church my parents attended, far from technologically savvy, had been placed a small speaker just for her on the pew in front of her. And so we always knew where she was going to sit each Sunday. On the third row, in the middle, on the left hand side.

I don’t remember how old I was when she died. I don’t remember if I attended her funeral. What I do remember was, in those last years, watching her from my seat near the back of the church, Sunday after Sunday, month after month. I always had to sit still, and I always had to face forward, and so I had a perfect vantage point. And as time went on, she leaned a little closer to her speaker so she could hear what was being said.

Churches today have all the bells and whistles available to their “fine arts” departments. They offer closed captioning for the hearing impaired, special headsets, CDs created in under 30 seconds immediately after the service and mailed to those who didn’t come to church. But that wasn’t available to this lady. Who knows if she would have accepted it if they had been. She was there every Sunday, in front of her speaker, because that’s where the message was. And when it was hard to hear the message, she leaned in even more.

I find myself at a point in my life where there are more questions than answers. Or at least, the answers aren’t found yet. I was reminded of this lady today as I once again struggled internally with situations that seem totally beyond my control. I cannot change them. I have tried. I am, instead, constantly looking for the message God is sending me, the doors He is opening, or hey, even the way of escape He promises when I’m tempted to just scream and throw things. (And you thought I had it all together.) I told the Lord today that sometimes He really needs to just shout at me because the whispers are apparently not getting through. And immediately I remembered this dear lady, each Sunday in church, her Bible on her lap, seemingly each week in those last years of her life leaning even closer towards the sermon.

And I realized, again, that what I’ve been doing these past few months as I’ve grappled with questions and struggles of various stripes is leaning, getting closer to the Savior who asks us to cast all our cares on Him. He knows more than I do. I will lean in, and listen. He knows exactly why I’m in this position because He put me here, and He knows exactly how I’m going to get out because He made the road that will take me there.

And so I’m leaning, still. Leaning more. Leaning in.

Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. But if any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all generously and without reproach, and it will be given to him. James 1: 2-5

No Words

God made the beasts of the earth after their kind...and everything that creeps on the ground after its kind; and God saw that it was good. Genesis 1:25

Goodbye, sweet Reign. Not a day will pass that I won't miss you.

***

All Things New

"Who knows where the leash is?" I call down the hall, for my wayward puppy has yet to learn the meaning of "come" and needs to be brought back inside. It is a crisp, cool spring morning. Dare I say spring? I am handed the leash by a boy who once climbed into my lap and asked me to read Pooh to him but now is two inches taller than me. He insists it was me who left the leash on my desk, and I insist it is he who is crazy, but handsome just the same.


I step outside and attempt to fill my lungs with air. I choke and catch my breath. I have been ill for weeks, too ill to be outdoors, too ill for anything really. At times it has seemed to be the dramatic conclusion to months of struggle. But today is different. The sun is shining, and the air is fresh, and I am reminded that to everything there is a season.



I am greeted by the back yard mutt, he who is perfectly content to have his ball thrown and his bowl filled a couple of times a day. How simple his life is. I toss his ball, and he charges away. He doesn't find it odd that the lady of the house is outside this early, and that she has returned to throw his ball. Eventually, normal returns.



My sweet Siberian is at my side at every turn. His days are few now, and he seems to know this. He barely stands against the spring breeze, and leans against my legs for support, looking up at me for reassurance. He will soon leave my side, another season come and gone. It will leave a tender place in my memory that will still ache years from now. Most will not understand it, and so mine will be a quiet grief.


The chickens have left me eggs this morning. They scold me for bringing all the dogs to the pen, or perhaps for not letting them out much lately, I'm not sure. I've asked a lot of them recently...they are clearing a new garden area for me and I reward them with kitchen scraps and bread crumbs and my gratitude that God has sent more sunshine for them. And for me.


I round the garden beds...too much work awaits me there...I can't begin to think that way. But the trees are just beginning to blossom, the signs of life are showing. The earth is coming out of its drab, dull winter. And my heart is warmed.

He makes all things new.

Even me, Lord?

Even me.


***

Money in the Bank

In the next few weeks (or, knowing me, months) I'd like to try to slowly but surely show you how I manage my bargain shopping and particularly the stockpile-approach to shopping. I have had many, many questions about this over the years. I regularly get asked questions about this when we have guests in our home and happen to open our pantry door and they get a peek inside, and for years I have been stopped in stores by people who are curious and even amazed by what they see me pushing around in my cart. And, as food prices rise, more and more people stop me after I check out to ask me, "How did you do that?" as I walk away with a receipt as long as my arm that cost me a minimal amount.

And so I'm hoping to, in the course of just a few posts, show you what I do that saves our family a lot of money, keeps me sane (at least in the kitchen), and gives us some measure of comfort despite rising costs. I'm going to try to keep this very, very simple. So in this post, I have just two main points, two directions in which you can go to immediately begin reaping the benefits with very little effort.

Point one:I mentioned in an earlier post that the quickest and easiest way to begin a good pantry stockpile is to purchase "more than one" of things you need on your list. I will expand on that at a later time. For now, I will just say that my first of two basic points is that the quickest, easiest, and best way to purchase all your "more than one" things is to do so with coupons.

If you do not use coupons yet, then you need to begin collecting them. If you have a collection, you need to start using them. If you use them, but don't use them effectively, you need to start using them purposefully, instead of willy-nilly. Think of it like a game, and she who comes out with the most merchandise for the least expenditure, wins. (Hint: I am your formidable foe, but I welcome the challenge.)

Coupons come in the Sunday paper. I get a double Sunday paper each week. (For some this is a waste, however I use the paper as compost for my garden beds, drop cloths for kids painting projects, and myriad other things.) You can also buy just the coupon inserts online, or you can buy the coupons themselves, already clipped out. I really prefer to just buy the paper itself, rifle through it, clip my coupons, read the comics, look at the fliers, etc. There's something old fashioned about the Sunday paper. (Or maybe I'm weird. But that's a different post altogether.) Manufacturer's websites have printable coupons, and stores have their own coupons which can be combined with manufacturer's coupons on the same product.

I will write more about coupons themselves later, but my point is, if you aren't collecting coupons yet, start now. Start today. With today's Sunday paper, if possible.

Point Two: My second point is that If you have a neighborhood CVS and you don't shop there, you are throwing money away. CVS has a fantastic customer loyalty program that literally pays you back for shopping with them.

If you have a neighborhood CVS, go there this week and sign up for an ExtraCare card. While you are there, grab their flier, bring it home, and compare their sale prices to prices on things you normally buy at Walmart, Target, or wherever you shop. Now check to see if any of those things have Extra Care Bucks this week. And imagine how inexpensive they would be if you had coupons for them...

This probably sounds complicated to someone who hasn't done anything like this before. It's not. At the top of this post is a copy of my receipt from CVS last week. I have been quite sick and had to run to the pharmacy for a refill on my medication. While I was waiting, I grabbed a few things with what energy and brain power I had: Two bottles of Nyquil, a gallon of milk, a greeting card, and two Fuze strawberry drinks. (Hey, I was thirsty, and I had a coupon to get one free!)



Now here is where the fun begins. I've highlighted the fun parts for you--my total amount saved, and my total paid. For the above purchases, I paid twenty-five cents.






And the best part? Five more dollars towards the next time.

What will I use the five dollars for? I don't know yet. But here's my line of thinking when it comes to Extra Care Bucks, or coupons for products I know we will use: This is money in the bank. I would no sooner let this $5 in Extra Care Bucks sit here and expire than I would toss a five dollar bill in the trash. So even if I don't combine it with a manufacturer's coupon and get a steal on laundry detergent or Nyquil or Revlon mascara, I will at least get a gallon or two of fresh Oak Farms milk or some orange juice from it. Because if I get it free, or even almost free, from CVS, I don't have to buy it from the grocery store, and that, my friends, is money in the bank.

Hitler Youth, Anyone?

This is what we're up against. Stay in the game.

****

Pantry Preparations

I don't normally write about things like this but someone asked me a while ago what I think about those websites and catalogs where you can buy six months or a year's worth of food for your family for a set amount of money.

This came up because I mentioned how I shop for food.

I probably should write some posts about that, because it might be useful to someone.

Tonight I'm tired so I'll just say two brief things:

One:
If you're looking at the economy, and you're concerned about being able to provide food for your family, one of the worst things you can do is spend hundreds or thousands of dollars on freeze dried food. Seriously. Please don't buy that junk.

Two:
If you're going shopping in the next few days, look at your list. Underline the non-perishable items. Instead of buying one of those things, buy two or three. That is how you begin to prepare a good pantry for bad times.

And sleep well. Your Father is the King.

****

Welcome Home, Sophie

On a bright, sunny Monday, just when we could really have used some good news, some arrived on four small paws.



Perhaps I feel a kindred spirit with this furry little soul that is a bit scared, a bit timid, and a bit overwhelmed by the unexpected turn of events that brought her to me.






Here's to a hopeful future of many years of country life, sunning on the patio, chasing butterflies, catching frisbees, and attempting to herd a flock of annoyed chickens.




In the meantime, make yourself at home, beautiful girl. You are lost no more.

****

Delilah

I think Tim made the mistake of booking a show at my elementary school. I venture this guess only because he finally got a laugh out of the audience when he sang, "Hey Delilah, when you die, tell the Devil I said hi," and where I went to school, everyone took great delight in determining who was bound for the flames.

Goodbye 2008

It is 6 a.m. and I have not slept at all. In an hour or so, my youngest children will be out of their beds, and, seeing that I am up, will ask me to cook breakfast for them. They will not know that I haven't slept, only that I am blessedly awake, and they don't have to eat cereal or toast.

As I have been sitting in the darkness of my living room waiting for morning to arrive (sleep, why won't you come?) I have been reflecting on the past year. 2008 was incredibly hard for me. I wish I could sit here and list all the accomplishments that I achieved. I am sure there are a few. But in truth, this last year was very difficult for me.

I am not certain that sifting through the difficulties would be either wise or healthy. What I do know is that my heart aches for the time lost to turmoil and pain, both for myself and for people I love.

In many ways I feel as though the year has been lost...366 days slipped through my fingers with nothing much to show for it. I know that can't possibly be true, and yet I am reminded again that I must always keep an eternal perspective.

Because when I really think about it, what I really want is Heaven. There is no way to have what I want here on a sin-ridden planet. I long for a place where hearts remain unbroken, where bodies aren't mangled by disease, where promises are kept.

Someone I deeply respect and admire has recently gone through a major change in her life. We do not talk about it. I do not know the details. What I do know is that when I go to see her now, it is in a different place. Many times, I have met her only to find her wiping tears from her eyes. She has said she is not ready to talk about it, and I have not asked any questions. She is gracefully walking through a time of great turmoil in her life during a time when she should be able to relax and enjoy the life she had made for herself. A few days ago, she concluded an email to me by saying, "I do know, Tamara, that God is faithful, and that His grace is always, always sufficient."

One of my modern-day heroines, Elizabeth Elliot, wrote, “If we were given all we wanted here, our hearts would settle for this world rather than the next. God is forever luring us up and away from this one, wooing us to Himself and His still invisible Kingdom, where we will certainly find what we so keenly long for.”

Sometimes it is the trials which woo us.

I don't pour my heart out here. That is what my friends are for. So I will simply say that 2008 has reminded me to live toward Heaven. If nothing else, this year has been 366 days that I will count all joy because they have brought me that much closer to Jesus. Oh, Jesus, I love you. Thy Kingdom Come.